Words as Weapons

I’ve been bullied my whole life. Not being well versed in social skills or nonverbal communication has often left me open to attack. It’s not that I never tried to fit in. I did. I desperately wanted to belong. I had no idea that I was an Aspie growing up. I was just a nerd, and a bookworm. I wasn’t athletic or particularly coordinated; wasn’t well to do or stylish; or even popular among the misfits. I never understood why nobody really liked me; or why my so-called “friends” would only hang out with me when they had nothing better to do, or because they had to.

The physical attacks I could handle. The laughing, pointing and taunting hurt. The looks of disgust and contempt from my classmates (and later peers) became commonplace. I barely noticed (or at least acknowledged) them after awhile. It was the words. Those words still haunt me. Every mean word ever said to me, to this day, I have taken to heart. I remember them all. I play them over and over in my head, like a record. Try as I might, I just can’t seem to erase them, or to let them go.

Even now, as a grown woman, I am still vulnerable. I am afraid to speak my mind, for fear of being attacked by those who don’t share my opinion. By those who would judge me for my beliefs, and for being too sensitive. No matter what I say, it seems that I am wrong. I’m complaining too much; or being self-righteous  or preachy; or just downright naive. So I just don’t say anything at all. People think I am antisocial or snobby. It’s not that. I just have no idea what to say, or how to say it.

After a while, it starts to eat away at you. You doubt yourself, constantly. You feel guilty for having an opinion. For needing validation and comfort. Eventually, you start to wish that you just didn’t think or feel at all, so that you wouldn’t hurt so much.

You practise conversations in the mirror, or as you are doing daily tasks. You play each scenario over in your head, over and over again. Then when it’s time to face the music, you choke. Your words somehow fail you. It’s as though you have forgotten how to speak at all.

Even online, it’s the same thing. You post a status. Someone doesn’t like it. You second guess yourself, and remove it. Post another one. Get attacked for that. You just can’t win. So you end up posting meaningless crap like what you had for dinner, because you are pretty sure that it’s safe.

It’s all about the words. Online, you can’t hear a person’s tone to know if they are angry or amused. In real life, a word spoken in anger can repeat in your mind like an echo. It becomes etched on your brain. So much so, that if heard enough, you start to believe it. You believe the thoughts that come when you hear these words. It makes you doubt yourself. Kills your self esteem. It’s much easier to not say a word, than to erase the damage that it can do. The old adage “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is wrong. So wrong. No weapon is as powerful as that of the spoken and written word. Please. Before you react in anger, or think you are harmlessly teasing someone, stop and think of how you would feel if these words were directed at you. Choose your words wisely, for you can never take them back.